I did it. Finally. Shrinkables, who you've not met yet, (but is a really good writer who promised to tell us a story before and then, again, after she met a new girl but has not yet put pen to paper) told me about a particular on-line dating service that she uses. I've given it some thought, back and forth, for nine months. This inorganic measure isn't my thing even more than talking to someone in a bar isn't my thing.
In fact, I was at the bar tonight—Free Willy and MacTiger were there. We had a few drinks while my green chili chicken chili didn't win the contest. I didn't know that there would be a contest but that doesn't matter because I couldn't have created anymore magic in the 12 ingredient soup that brewed while I was mowing the backyard.
"No one has signed up for the chili cook-off. It's charity for the Food Bank," MacTiger said with a certain sadness during the middle of this past week.
I thought about my vegan chili, drew a lopsided smirk with my lips, and then said, "I can make a pot of white chicken chili." But I thought about all the stuff I have to do this weekend to get ready for our second open house (because the original buyer balked) and wondered why I said that I'd do anything that didn't have to do with mowing, weeding, or painting.
I said that I would do it because me and MacTiger have more than a few things in common. We were born almost on the same day, neither of us are from Louisiana, and we like to help people. He had a panic; therefore, I needed to make chili, and so I did.
At 4:30, I roll up in my toaster-on-wheels Honda. MacTiger is outside of the bar, helping a damsel in distress with her chili gear. He takes half of my chili gear, too. When I arrive with my crockpot someone says, "That'll be $10 for your entry." I'm thinking, "It cost me $20 to make this chili. I'll get that MacTiger." But, to my surprise, I handed over a crisp bill because I was staring at 5 brand new lesbians. Needless to say, I was breathless. "Where did they come from?" I wondered. "Did someone go out of town and drag them here, promising free beer and lesbian chili?"
While paying my 2-beer tab at 7:15 pm, I noticed that the 5 unidentifiable lesbians had multiplied and now were 7. Where are they coming from? Are they here to torture me or do they actually live here, and then I can not talk to them in the future? I reached for my tab and then noticed that a set of nice eyes was looking my way.
"Maybe she's just glancing around?"
"But, she's pretty."
"It's probably just a coincidence," I assured myself just long enough to get half-way home.
"Why didn't I stare back?" I wondered the second half of the way home, and while I was duct taping my socks to Sweet Georgia Brown's feet (because her pads are hot red from grass allergies because she's locked outside while the house is on the market); and I asked myself while caulking the baseboard to the master bed room wall (because I need to do the smart stuff before the Open House tomorrow); and I asked myself while taking the rest of the chicken chili next door to Mic-Monk's (because her house is still under construction from when the tree fell through her roof and she can't cook for her starving teenagers).
"That's it. We've given you enough time," Self rolled up its sleeves and showed its muscle while it spoke sternly to my scared'y-cat self. "You're not going to do anything to help, and we're lonely."
"You're right," I conceded when I thought about how nice the lady might have been if I'd just stared for long enough to know if it was a coincidence.
I'm home now and she's already boarding the bus to return to whatever magical lesbian land she came from. After a quick viewing of offerings from the on-line dating service for the age 40 to 50 bracket, I have a few questions:
1. Should anyone who looks like a sibling or cousin be eliminated from consideration or automatically accepted?
2. Should women in the lesbian category be clicking "never married"?
2b. Should women in the lesbian category be clicking "divorced?" At this point, isn't the heterosexual 'til death we do part' null and void? These girls get a clean slate.
3. If there are a series of women who start with, "Hey guys..." should I wonder if the online dating service has put me in the right category?
4. If a series of women clicked "seeking marriage," should I assume these lesbians want to move to: Connecticut Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, or Vermont, or should I pick a new online dating service?
5. Is it wrong to flirt with women only in cities where I've always wanted to live?
6. If they say in the introductory clause "sometimes I can be a little too complicated" are they being too self-conscious, or should I ask them to use "too complicated" in a past scenario example?
7. Is there a way to get references from 3 previous girlfriends?
8. If she is fifty years old and says she's planning to get her first tattoo—is it assumptive to submit my name for consideration in the first email exchange?
9. Is a picture worth a thousand words?
10. Should I click on "send email" even after my mind says "she looks crazy" because that's a hell of a lot better situation than sitting home alone on a Saturday night!
If you have a successful (or better an unsuccessful) on-line dating short or long story, share with us!
In fact, I was at the bar tonight—Free Willy and MacTiger were there. We had a few drinks while my green chili chicken chili didn't win the contest. I didn't know that there would be a contest but that doesn't matter because I couldn't have created anymore magic in the 12 ingredient soup that brewed while I was mowing the backyard.
"No one has signed up for the chili cook-off. It's charity for the Food Bank," MacTiger said with a certain sadness during the middle of this past week.
I thought about my vegan chili, drew a lopsided smirk with my lips, and then said, "I can make a pot of white chicken chili." But I thought about all the stuff I have to do this weekend to get ready for our second open house (because the original buyer balked) and wondered why I said that I'd do anything that didn't have to do with mowing, weeding, or painting.
I said that I would do it because me and MacTiger have more than a few things in common. We were born almost on the same day, neither of us are from Louisiana, and we like to help people. He had a panic; therefore, I needed to make chili, and so I did.
At 4:30, I roll up in my toaster-on-wheels Honda. MacTiger is outside of the bar, helping a damsel in distress with her chili gear. He takes half of my chili gear, too. When I arrive with my crockpot someone says, "That'll be $10 for your entry." I'm thinking, "It cost me $20 to make this chili. I'll get that MacTiger." But, to my surprise, I handed over a crisp bill because I was staring at 5 brand new lesbians. Needless to say, I was breathless. "Where did they come from?" I wondered. "Did someone go out of town and drag them here, promising free beer and lesbian chili?"
While paying my 2-beer tab at 7:15 pm, I noticed that the 5 unidentifiable lesbians had multiplied and now were 7. Where are they coming from? Are they here to torture me or do they actually live here, and then I can not talk to them in the future? I reached for my tab and then noticed that a set of nice eyes was looking my way.
"Maybe she's just glancing around?"
"But, she's pretty."
"It's probably just a coincidence," I assured myself just long enough to get half-way home.
"Why didn't I stare back?" I wondered the second half of the way home, and while I was duct taping my socks to Sweet Georgia Brown's feet (because her pads are hot red from grass allergies because she's locked outside while the house is on the market); and I asked myself while caulking the baseboard to the master bed room wall (because I need to do the smart stuff before the Open House tomorrow); and I asked myself while taking the rest of the chicken chili next door to Mic-Monk's (because her house is still under construction from when the tree fell through her roof and she can't cook for her starving teenagers).
"That's it. We've given you enough time," Self rolled up its sleeves and showed its muscle while it spoke sternly to my scared'y-cat self. "You're not going to do anything to help, and we're lonely."
"You're right," I conceded when I thought about how nice the lady might have been if I'd just stared for long enough to know if it was a coincidence.
I'm home now and she's already boarding the bus to return to whatever magical lesbian land she came from. After a quick viewing of offerings from the on-line dating service for the age 40 to 50 bracket, I have a few questions:
1. Should anyone who looks like a sibling or cousin be eliminated from consideration or automatically accepted?
2. Should women in the lesbian category be clicking "never married"?
2b. Should women in the lesbian category be clicking "divorced?" At this point, isn't the heterosexual 'til death we do part' null and void? These girls get a clean slate.
3. If there are a series of women who start with, "Hey guys..." should I wonder if the online dating service has put me in the right category?
4. If a series of women clicked "seeking marriage," should I assume these lesbians want to move to: Connecticut Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, or Vermont, or should I pick a new online dating service?
5. Is it wrong to flirt with women only in cities where I've always wanted to live?
6. If they say in the introductory clause "sometimes I can be a little too complicated" are they being too self-conscious, or should I ask them to use "too complicated" in a past scenario example?
7. Is there a way to get references from 3 previous girlfriends?
8. If she is fifty years old and says she's planning to get her first tattoo—is it assumptive to submit my name for consideration in the first email exchange?
9. Is a picture worth a thousand words?
10. Should I click on "send email" even after my mind says "she looks crazy" because that's a hell of a lot better situation than sitting home alone on a Saturday night!
If you have a successful (or better an unsuccessful) on-line dating short or long story, share with us!
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