This is Me Dating, part I

I have a friend who helps me figure things out.  She talks to me in ways that help me understand people who are whack.  It’s always good to have this kind of friend. During bad times, I end up with a lot more peace than I started with; during good times, whack makes me laugh. 

Many times, our conversations are about one of my observations, and then I wonder out loud, “Why?” This is almost the endpoint where I’ll have to go it alone, unraveling my inspection until I get to the core of the conundrum.  Because, I’m an Idealist, I ask “why” a lot.  My friend isn’t an Idealist so she only goes so far into my wanderings.  And because she isn't an Idealist, she doesn’t have tailored answers. But, she has read a lot. 

One of the things that comes into the conversation—shortly before she stops at the threshold of my solo journey—is a tool that she uses when her people are whack.  It reminds that each person has a primary need.  And, each everyone wants to fulfill it all the time and throughout life.

Someone smart, David Keirsey, said there are 4 basic needs.  (The number four is popular with pondering theorists who observe humans, it comes up a lot throughout human history.  Maybe it’s a good number because a quadrant is more complete than a triangle and more distinct than a circle.  I don’t know.  I just know that there are almost always four kinds of human needs, personalities, etc.)  If you can identify your primary need, you can understand a lot about what motivates you to be whack. 

I wanted to come up with a way to identify core needs.  Here are two simple questions:

I am:
a. Authentic
b. Consistent
c. Strategic
d. Free to be me

I like to go to places where I:
a. Feel Significant
b. Belong
c. Excel
d. Can 'just do it'

Put a check mark (or happy face) next to the one that reminds you of you.  
Put an x next to the one that is least like you.

Hold onto your answers.  We’ll get back to them after I explain the next layer, values.

A person strives to fulfill her core needs through particular values.  Maybe there is a relationship between the kinds of needs and the kinds of values that you have, that would make sense, but I’m not sure. I’ll just say that if 25% of humans are Idealists and they are seeking similar ways to meet their needs, then there’s probably a relationship between needs and values.  This could be important info for someone who gets paid to think about things like that.  Anyhoo, here’s the questions for values:

With friends, I like to:
a. Identify their life purpose
b. Make them feel comfortable
c. Look for logical threads
d. Do the unpredictable

When with people who don't share my views, I:
a. See inconsistencies, but I listen
b. Cannot hear them
c. Question their credibility
d. Try to apply it

I am motivated when my date:
a. Openly shares her stories
b. Structures our time together
c. Introduces her theories
d. Is spontaneous

When I have a disagreement with a lover, I want to:
a. Strengthen our bond
b. Follow sound advice, especially from someone I know
c. Use deductive reasoning
d. Not get fenced in

Put a check mark (or happy face) next to the one that reminds you of you.  
Put an x next to the one that is least like you.


Ok, these aren’t the questions for values as much as they are questions about behaviors.  But, when you do any of these things, you show a behavior that reflects your values.  Here’s the tricky part—humans learn from the three other kinds of people. 

If you are an Idealist and were raised in a house with Rationals, you’ve learned what they appreciate.  Mimicking helps you fit in and get rewards.  However, these behaviors don’t change your core need, they just make it more difficult to see them.  This could mean that you’re going about doing things that aren’t in line with your values and don’t fulfill your core needs.  That’s whack unless you’re fitting in and getting rewards.

Now that you’ve answered the six simple questions, do you see a trend?  If not, that means you’re answering with borrowed behaviors in mind…or we didn’t build this tool exactly right.  Of course, there is another possibility.  Maybe sometimes you are answering who you are and sometimes you are answering who you had to be with one or more lovers.  That will make part 2 more complicated … and more interesting, “).

I’ll give you a few more questions tomorrow and then explain it all.