This is Me Dating, part III

I’ve hinted about how to look for similarities and differences, but I haven’t actually come out and decoded the questions.  I won’t waste any more cyber space.  Here’s the breakdown of the types:
a. Idealist

b. Guardian

c. Rationalist

d. Artisan

Every "a" answer indicates needs or values of an Idealist and so forth.

I didn’t want to tell you before you took both tests because every reader has preconceived notions of the meaning of these words.  If you identify with one of them, chances are high that it isn't going to lead to your type. After three years of these kinds of discussions, I only just embraced Idealist.  Truth is, I’ve been all of these characters at some point in my life—learning to mimic for rewards—and those behaviors are still available in my muscle memory.  It took me a while to accept Idealist, but it’s so clear now.  If you want to get more in depth (with authentic questions), here’s the link.  You can take the test for free: http://www.keirsey.com/sorter/register.aspx

When Love Heroine took the test, his answers for core needs pointed to Idealist.  For the value questions, his answers split. He chose Rationalist answers for the two questions that show him in a negative situation. And, he chose Guardian answers for the two questions that show him in a positive situation.  (Check yours).  This split was really interesting.  I had to wonder if he learned Rationalist behaviors from his dad when maneuvering through a conflict and Guardian behaviors from his mom when coasting into love.  Wouldn’t it be interesting if each of us moves away from our core needs, and values, when dealing with people?  I think that I do, and I think that I’ll try to be true to my needs.  I might get to solutions or good lovin’ sooner.

Moving to Part II—your best and worst girl(s).  Nostalgia and deep-seated angst can do much harm to a memory.  Maybe after the comparisons, you’ve see your girls in a different light.  Probably the most useful thing to do is to get your current girl to answer Part I.  Compare what you thought of her to what she thinks of her.  Do the answers line up?  If so/if not, look at the kinds of answers that i.d. your needs and her needs and then have a conversation.  With your new insight, it could be nice and it could be sweet, and then you could have some good lovin’, “

After the lovin’—and breakfast and maybe a few more yawns or laps around the track, depending on how you start the day—think about what she can’t do for you.  This is important.  If your girl can’t do a lot of things for you, count them.  If the number is high, trade her in.  Life is short.  Or, think about what you expect her to do and be really honest about whether it’s her job.  Chances are high that if you trade her—a kooky Rationalist—, then the Idealist, Guardian, and Artisan will not do a lot of your things for you either.  

No one can meet your needs like you can—except in that “good lovin’” category.  This (and sanity) is what’s important.  Keep your eye on the fundamentals—No Needing, just Lovin' Wanting.

If you’re not going to trade her in, take a look at what she tends to do and realize that this is what she tends to do.  Then, ask if it’s fair that she stop being herself to meet your needs or ping your values.  Chances are high that 50% of the things you expect from her, you can do for yourself.  Chances are higher that in this 50%, you need to do them for yourself.  Does it benefit her to be doing your stuff?  

I hope this little test was good for your:

      a.  relationship

      b. pursuit of one

      c. deconstruction of the last devastation

      d. all of the above

I know that Keirsey’s stuff caused me to think about many possibilities for finding the right type of partner.   But the more I read, the more I realize that types are types.  I can be an Idealist who is grounded by a Rationalist as easily as I can be a frustrated Idealist who torques a Rationalist with koans. In a relationship, it’s all about the willingness shared between two people. 

Now, it’s easier to see a solution for a relationship that got stuck because of past events and experiences. These may seem to be the cause of bad behaviors and misunderstandings, but the cause comes from inside me or her.  I’ve got a need and she’s got a need. Which action benefits both of us?  Or, Do I need to be in her need; is it better if she’s not in my need?  These are as important as figuring out that I'm right. 

After all of this, the most beneficial part is this one thing,  Everyone (you bump against in the break room, on the sidewalk, and in the bedroom) has a core need.  There.  That’s all you need to know.  The mission to follow someone down the rabbit hole and discover their core need is yours to accept of decline.  In the meantime, fulfill yours—out in public, on the world’s stage, when everyone is looking—because 75% of the world isn’t competing for yours.  And, you deserve to be whole, “).

This is Me Dating, part II

On the eve of the biggest Powerball drawing ever (that I can remember), I think about the situation I will be in tomorrow morning.  Single and seeking love will be way more complicated when I’m a quibillionaire.  How will I know that she loves me for me?  I imagine you’ve thought through the same conundrum.

When I was in my twenties, I had a sure proof solution. 

“I won’t tell her for two years. We’ll date and see if it works.  When I know for sure, I’ll spring it on her,” I told my friend Dee.  

“Oh sure!”

I was serious.  But, I was about to meet #1 and there’s no way I could have kept the secret for two years without telling her.  For one, I was a waitress with a default student loan.  She loved me so much that we shared her car.  (And I’m glad that I didn’t have to keep that secret.  I would have missed out on all that we shared. We made the most with what we could afford and appreciated every purchase.)  For two, money can’t stay quiet.  For three, if I’d had a million⁺ dollars, she wouldn’t have trusted me after I said, “Hey, I know times have been tough with you shuffling me to that $30/day waitressing gig, but I had to check you out first.” 

Yeah. Right. That would have been the end and not the beginning.

So, on this eve of being a big fat quibillionaire, I’m warming up a can of black beans for a quesadilla and thinking about being single and rich.  The question is the same, “How will I know that she loves me?”  I think about Ex#3.  Two years wouldn’t have been enough.  After six, I realized that I didn’t really see her until after seven and that was only because she left.  If I’d been a quibillionaire, she might not have ever left…and I’ve have never seen what I needed to see.

This burst of realization about my premature predicament caused me to remember that I owe you an explanation.  I never really forgot, I just had a ton to do after (this last day of cubicle) work.  And, I needed to finish the quesadilla.  But, I think that I should offer the second set of questions, first.  (If I show you the decoder, you’ll over think your answers.  It will be better if you “go with your gut” and just answer them.  I don’t mean that you should take the first answer.  In each set, one entry should mean more—it should tap you deeper or in more than one part of your body—than the others.  That’s the one you should go with.)  Here we go…

But wait. There’s one more thing you have to know. Put a check mark (or J) next to the one that reminds you of your “best fit” girlfriend.  And, put an ‘x’ next to the one that was the worst fit.

Here we go…

My girl/lover/partner is happy when she is:

a.  Authentic

b.  Consistent

c.  Strategic

d.  Free to be

She likes to go to places where she:

a.  Feels Significant

b.  Belongs

c.  Excels

d.  Can 'just do it'

When we are in a group, she:

a.  Identifies their life purpose

b.  Makes them feel comfortable

c.  Looks for logical threads

d.  Does the unpredictable

With people who don't share her views, she:

a.  Listens

b.  Isn’t interested

c.  Questions their credibility

d.  Tries to use it

She seems motivated when I:

a.  Openly share my stories

b.  Structure our time together

c.  Introduce theories

d.  Am spontaneous

When we don’t agree, she wants to:

a.  Strengthen our bond

b.  Follow sound advice, especially from someone she knows

c.  Use deductive reasoning

d.  Not get fenced in

Got the answers?  Compare what you wrote about yourself with what you wrote for the best and worst fit girlfriend.  (I know. It’s hard to say that the one who gave you the most torrid relationship and was the best lover should be put in the worst column.  That happens—but be honest. With all the great lovin’ and crazed chemistry, she was bad for you, and you know that she goes in the “worst” column in at least one set.)  Now, you can see what you need and value.  

Do you see similarities between what you marked for yourself and what you marked for your best girl?  If so, you found someone who is familiar, someone who is like you. Maybe you look for someone who is like you in the beginning—this gives you comfort.  Does it last or do you lose interest in someone like you? 

On the other hand, your best girl may not be like you. Comparing the J for you and the J for her, are these different? If so, you look for someone who isn’t like you. Do these relationships last or do you tire of bridging the gap?

Now, look at the worst column.  Do you see similarities between what you marked for yourself and what you marked for your worst girl? This could be a clue that you shouldn’t date you.  Do you see contrasts between hers and yours?  If so, she might have had different needs and values.  Opposites attract, but there was too much friction to imagine a solution and keep things functional.

I might mention what some of you are already thinking. Just because the marks are different doesn’t mean that there’s a conflict. You’re right.  Something different might be a compliment. Only you can decide that because there are four types and more denominators in a social situation than denominators in my Powerball check. What is a compliment for an Idealist might be a compliment for a Rationalist, but only those two can know.  You can look at your comparisons and feel/interpret why your differences did or didn't contribute to your needs and values.

With 6 questions, this is simple stuff—right?  For us singles, we’ve soooo got this for the next time. For the readers who get to snuggle with their best fit, here’s where it can get tough.  Take a look at what you need and value.  Can she behave these ways with you?  Second, can you behave these ways with her?  With this list, it can be simple stuff…if you are willing to imagine your future with her and how much that’s worth.  I've given you a hint at the kinds of things that she needs and values, and you know if they mirror, compliment or contrast yours.

So, tell me what you thought of the test.  Or, if you want me to tell you more, send me an email with your responses, lmastuff@gmail.com.  I’ll try my best to give you helpful hints about how you answered with the tool design in mind.  Cheers!

This is Me Dating, part I

I have a friend who helps me figure things out.  She talks to me in ways that help me understand people who are whack.  It’s always good to have this kind of friend. During bad times, I end up with a lot more peace than I started with; during good times, whack makes me laugh. 

Many times, our conversations are about one of my observations, and then I wonder out loud, “Why?” This is almost the endpoint where I’ll have to go it alone, unraveling my inspection until I get to the core of the conundrum.  Because, I’m an Idealist, I ask “why” a lot.  My friend isn’t an Idealist so she only goes so far into my wanderings.  And because she isn't an Idealist, she doesn’t have tailored answers. But, she has read a lot. 

One of the things that comes into the conversation—shortly before she stops at the threshold of my solo journey—is a tool that she uses when her people are whack.  It reminds that each person has a primary need.  And, each everyone wants to fulfill it all the time and throughout life.

Someone smart, David Keirsey, said there are 4 basic needs.  (The number four is popular with pondering theorists who observe humans, it comes up a lot throughout human history.  Maybe it’s a good number because a quadrant is more complete than a triangle and more distinct than a circle.  I don’t know.  I just know that there are almost always four kinds of human needs, personalities, etc.)  If you can identify your primary need, you can understand a lot about what motivates you to be whack. 

I wanted to come up with a way to identify core needs.  Here are two simple questions:

I am:
a. Authentic
b. Consistent
c. Strategic
d. Free to be me

I like to go to places where I:
a. Feel Significant
b. Belong
c. Excel
d. Can 'just do it'

Put a check mark (or happy face) next to the one that reminds you of you.  
Put an x next to the one that is least like you.

Hold onto your answers.  We’ll get back to them after I explain the next layer, values.

A person strives to fulfill her core needs through particular values.  Maybe there is a relationship between the kinds of needs and the kinds of values that you have, that would make sense, but I’m not sure. I’ll just say that if 25% of humans are Idealists and they are seeking similar ways to meet their needs, then there’s probably a relationship between needs and values.  This could be important info for someone who gets paid to think about things like that.  Anyhoo, here’s the questions for values:

With friends, I like to:
a. Identify their life purpose
b. Make them feel comfortable
c. Look for logical threads
d. Do the unpredictable

When with people who don't share my views, I:
a. See inconsistencies, but I listen
b. Cannot hear them
c. Question their credibility
d. Try to apply it

I am motivated when my date:
a. Openly shares her stories
b. Structures our time together
c. Introduces her theories
d. Is spontaneous

When I have a disagreement with a lover, I want to:
a. Strengthen our bond
b. Follow sound advice, especially from someone I know
c. Use deductive reasoning
d. Not get fenced in

Put a check mark (or happy face) next to the one that reminds you of you.  
Put an x next to the one that is least like you.


Ok, these aren’t the questions for values as much as they are questions about behaviors.  But, when you do any of these things, you show a behavior that reflects your values.  Here’s the tricky part—humans learn from the three other kinds of people. 

If you are an Idealist and were raised in a house with Rationals, you’ve learned what they appreciate.  Mimicking helps you fit in and get rewards.  However, these behaviors don’t change your core need, they just make it more difficult to see them.  This could mean that you’re going about doing things that aren’t in line with your values and don’t fulfill your core needs.  That’s whack unless you’re fitting in and getting rewards.

Now that you’ve answered the six simple questions, do you see a trend?  If not, that means you’re answering with borrowed behaviors in mind…or we didn’t build this tool exactly right.  Of course, there is another possibility.  Maybe sometimes you are answering who you are and sometimes you are answering who you had to be with one or more lovers.  That will make part 2 more complicated … and more interesting, “).

I’ll give you a few more questions tomorrow and then explain it all. 

Sending Welcomes to Jordan, Kenya and Poland, ")

Ahlan wa sahlan!  Karibu! Witamy!

If you have a story that you share with new lesbian friends, send it!  I'd love to hear what went right and what can go ohhhh so wrong and how it all comes together in the end.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

                                                                                      -Dr. Seuss

Slow Dating with the World Between your Belt Buckles

“Women are more trusting.”

“I don’t think that’s true of straight women,” Ginda says. 

Ginda is Dim Sum’s besty.  They’ve worked together for a few decades; they vacation and holiday together.  Also, their husbands are two merry men, so all works out just about perfect for this pairing up of four souls who like to eat, drink, and observe other merry souls. 

They’ve invited single me to share the holiday.  We’ve eaten brunch and one of us—Iron Stomach—has opened the first beer to go with his leftover turkey.  I’m describing the supersonic speed of lesbian dating.  Mr. Sum is in the kitchen remembering the joke about lesbians and U-hauls, “That’s a classic!” he chuckles.

“Why does it go so fast?” Ginda asks.

“I guess it’s a gender thing,” I say.  “Women tend to believe… until they have a reason to not believe.  They’re like a light switch, ‘on’ or ‘off.’”

“No. It can’t be a gender thing,” Dim Sum adds. 

“Maybe it’s a minority thing,” I say and then pause. “Lesbians finding lesbians is like living in this (small predominantly white conservative) town.  If I’m a minority, that makes up 2% of the population, there’s a good chance that I’ll include the same minority in my inner circle much sooner.”

“Right,” Ginda agrees.  “We invited the two Democrats families over.” 

Ginda and Iron Stomach don’t live in this ubber-conservative southern Alabama town where Dim Sum and Mr. Sum live.  They live in SoCal.  You might think there’d be more democrats in their neighborhood, but Ginda and I.S. live in Orange County where that massive congregation congregates.  It successfully launched and pulled Prop8 from under the unsuspecting Californians who were sure it would never pass.  So, Ginda and I.S. aren’t any more comfortable talking politics with neighbors than the Sums.  That’s why we had a public meeting before the third couple arrived for lunch yesterday.

“Ok.  This couple is really nice,” Dim Sum has our divided attention. “You will like them, but we can’t talk politics.”

“Or religion,” two of us add.

“Can we high-five for Obama?” I.S. asks.

“No,” Dim Sum laughs.
“Got it,” Ginda says.

“Ok- just one thing,” I pipe up. “Am I gay?”

“Yes!” Ginda and Judy say with emphasis.

With the rules clearly stated—and observed despite the 99 bottles of wine that were flying from the rack—, we followed the courtesies that were laid before us.

“So, I’ve not dated since Facebook,” I say to Ginda and Dim Sum.

“What’s that matter?”

“Well, you can find out all kinds of stuff about someone, rummaging around their photos and reading their posts.”

The men are watching football. We are at the table with our 3 laptops.  I go to the Home page of a suggested friend of a friend—and potential blind date—and push my laptop over the top of Dim Sum’s laptop, then I turn it for Ginda to take a peek.

“See?  She’s cute,” I say.  With the delay of only one syllable, they echo the same sentiments. “With Facebook, I get to find out all kinds of stuff about her that might not come up until way down the road.”

“So, that will make (lesbian) dating go faster,” Dim Sum states with a lasting question.

“Maybe.  Maybe not.”

On the one hand, on a date, I can ask intelligent questions based on posted interests.  It could speed things up.  This feels like cheating, but I’m really bad about asking strangers for personal info.  For one, I like to feel their energy.  Remember?  More, I was taught that it’s rude to be nosy.  Between these two, I don’t ask follow up questions and it comes off as “I’m not interested.” Facebook could be beneficial, making things easier faster.

I take a look at the other hand—maybe not. Now, I can look around and find out stuff that makes me go ‘hmmmm’ or ‘I need to investigate this before I make any rash decisions like sign a mortgage.’  All of a sudden I see place markers up the dating path that I’ve never seen before.  I’ve not known there could be so many twists and turns until I’m lost on one.

“Social media might be the solution to lesbian slow dating.  We will see, we will see,” I’m grinning and thinking.   

Ok- if you got one, show it.  Share your story about dating with or amidst social media.  Did it help or hinder good lovin’?

Secret Lesbians Opposing Barbarians

Driving toward the west side of the state and listening to the radio, I hear “sharia.”  I remember this word from a USAToday article.  In Egypt, the citizens are debating about sharia which describes the (potentially) volatile mixology of government and religion.

Last week, I drafted these words:

In USAToday, on the inside cover page, is an article about political divisions in Egypt.  If you’re an American, you were required to take history courses—or maybe you watched the HBO series John Adams—and know that our constitutional framers were at odds after the Revolution.  I want to say that our issues were different than what Egypt—and the other countries who participated in the Arab Spring—deal with.  We were precise and exact in our principles; lines were clearly drawn.  There was what happened and what almost happened before the good guys won.

The Egyptians are stuck, debating fundamental rights for women and minorities.  Many are citing sharia which calls for adherence to 7thC laws.  The article defines it to be a “style of life.”  However, this definition doesn’t give enough depth to this word to warrant a protest or the cost of ink.  I Google it and find:

[It is] God’s revealed law, perfect and eternal…. By logical extension, any criticism of shari'a is heresy.  Muslims who deny the validity of shari'a in any way are labeled as non-Muslims (infidels) […]  they face the threat of being prosecuted for apostasy, a crime that carries the death penalty in shari'a.     -Discoverthenetworks

So, you can gather from this statement that the adherence to shari'a is important.  It is so important, that they want to list the requirements in their constitution.  If this country will put people to death for shari'a infractions, they should make a list.  However, according to the article, Egyptians aren’t protesting the items on the list, they are protesting the presence of a list.  It will curtail some civil rights and civil rights for some, and it will be enforced at the highest level of government.  That’s no laughing matter.  It’s understandable why Mohamed Abou El=Ghar (President of the liberal—that’s right, you heard me say liberal—Egyptian Social Democratic Party) was quoted as saying, “We consider (the constitution) a matter of life and death.”

If you deconstruct this statement, you can assume that he is saying:
1. The constitution is a matter of life and death

2. That the constitution could limit rights and freedom of expression is a matter of life and death

Egypt is a remarkably different position than, “All men are created equal.”  I can’t remember if this sage saying was the result of a unified awakening by our founding fathers or was a strongly debated position, but America got it right.  Unfortunately, we didn’t acknowledge it—through a Civil War, Reconstruction, and after the Civil Rights movement—, continuing today without equal rights for LGBTs.  So, Americans caught and captured the awe inspiring words in print—230+ years ago—but are stuck when deciphering the hidden code in “ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.” 

Still, there's a big gap between us and them.  They struggle with whether women should be completely covered, thus making them invisible.  They struggle with whether the religious majority should have absolute power.  On the other hand, we built this nation with humans from a different country who were illegally imprisoned, tortured, raped, and denied citizenship.  Yes, I need to acknowledge the America's resting potential for atrocity when I fold up the USAToday and say, “Barbarians.”

It’s easy to forget that Americans died, fighting their ancestors and assumed institutions during the American Revolution and then their countrymen during a subsequent one.  Tony Kuschner, screenplay writer for Angels In America, said in an interview that ~800,000 Americans died during four years of the Civil War.  In today’s numbers, that’s 80,259,000 Americans.  It’s staggering what humans will do for freedom, and we can’t minimize the need for both sides to be heard.    

But, I couldn’t bring myself to post this entry.  For one, it’s not funny.  My intent in starting TwoGirls was to write zany things about lesbian dating, but there’s a more dominant part of my brain that is anything but zany.  It likes to deconstruct situations and measure the amount of crazy—which is the sociopathic cousin of zany—in people who are in the news, in my office, and on the sidewalk. 

And then, today, I hear this foreign word that is familiar. It sits with me, reminding me of a working draft.  But, I get to the hotel room and turn on HBO.  I’m trying to not think about the blog until I feel inspired so that my renderings—if not zany—are organic.  On the box, I’m into Witness which is about a female reporter who risks her life, and a baby in her belly, to expose killers, rapists and kidnappers in the Congo. 

“This isn’t far from the Middle East,” I think.

“This isn’t far from humanity,” a different area of my mind counters with a qualitatively different trump card. 

I’m calling my own bluff.  I know where me is going with this. It’s trying to section off the crazy part of the world so that it’s safe to feel zany.  But, I won’t let me get away with it.  “Humans are humans.  The foreigner has figured out that much.”

Watching her move through the jungle with only a camera for protection, I realize that the Arab Spring and the Civil War have at least one significant difference.  The world is watching in real time.  They know it, and we know that they know it, and they know that we know that they know it.  The question is, “As witnesses, do we have:

1.  A responsibility to participate
2. A right to participate
3. A need to participate
4. An ability to participate  

Thank the area of my mind that counters with a qualitatively different trump card for “d”.   An answer of a, b, or c  is irrelevant without d.  If blogs are prevented in China, I can’t imagine TwoGirls will ever open in the Middle East.  As a witness, I have no outlet even if I had a responsibility, right, and or need. 

I’m still watching the photojournalist on her mission and I’m still on mine.  I’m thinking about how to organize S.L.O.B.s (Secret Lesbians Opposing Barbarians) in the Middle East. 

“We could go there and create an underground movement.  We will be covered by sharia,” me wants to help.

“It’s too risky for American looking lesbians to go over there, even if covered,” I counter.

“We could coordinate lesbians across the world who look Middle Eastern and fund them.”

“Where are you going to find enough Middle Eastern lesbians to go over for this cause?”

“We might need to hire Middle Eastern straight girls.”

Obviously, this plan isn't as sound as the one by the pregnant photojournalist who is traipsing through the forest with only a camera for protection while she looks for brutal murderers.  So, I turn to the international source.

• The Guardian ran an article in 2006.
• Amazon.com has a book by Brian Whitaker that was published in 2006. 

Wait a minute—nothing's happened for that region since ’06?  I return to Google  and find a site.

• http://www.al-bab.com/arab/background/gay.htm

There are lists and lists of sources.  So, for tonight, I have to say, “More news later.”  I’m off to bed.   If you’re up and can’t sleep, read ahead and direct us to what’s interesting.  If you have other suggestions, do post.  I’ll catch up soon and tell you what I’ve done with the list to advance S.L.O.B.s' cause.

Lesbian Linking Lands- 2500

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A Belated Veteran's Card- Dissolving Barriers at Home while Abroad

In a hundred years, how will historians describe our state of being—being gay in America?  I think ahead and believe that all Americans will enjoy equal rights before I die.  But, I imagine that homosexuals who lived and fought during the American Revolution anticipated equal liberties.  “As soon as the war is over, I’ll protest” I imagine that’s what they told themselves when our nation began. “There are more important things to worry about than my needs.”  Despite the "All men are created equal" and representation with taxation, homosexuals have not yet been granted the same equality as heterosexuals. 

Slowly headlines are changing while soldiers of all heritages, colors, and preferences fight side-by-side and dissolve barriers.  One result of this unification is the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  For all that people said it wasn't, it was a monumental move to provide gays with the kind of consideration that the majority of Americans enjoy and expect (and demand).  It wasn't the solution but it, ironically, started the conversation about gay rights which toppled one of the two most significant strongholds.

When our soldiers come home, will they expect Americans to practice here what it preaches there? I hope so.  I hope their collective hope causes it to be so.  Many of them will be different after viewing humans with different norms but the same universal spirit that breathes in their friends and families.

But, I can't expect and wait for these soldiers to provide all of my freedoms. They've done enough over there. It will take the majority.  Someone smarter said it first:

Bear in mind this sacred principle,
that though the will of the majority
is in all cases to prevail,
that will to be rightful must be reasonable;
that the minority possess their equal rights,
which equal law must protect,
and to violate would be oppression.              

                              -Thomas Jefferson

I embrace this quote.  A collective of this kind of someones must change policy in their world for our world.  Knowing this, I feel free to wag my metaphysical finger at heterosexuals who like and love me.

They must see that this plight is too monumental for my tiny minority. Why haven’t they friend'd each other through my Facebook collection and coordinated a protest on Washington?  Surely, they must be wondering what to get me for Pride Day.  If all of my gay-friendly friends found all of your gay-friendly friends and all of their gay-friendly friends, the nation would see the army of Americans who believe in freedom for all.  We could close this chapter of prejudice and bigotry in American history.

But, one of the other guys who contributed to the Constitution would correct me.  He would say: 

The U.S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself.

                                - Benjamin Franklin 

I think Ben and Jiro would have a great conversation about self-reliance.

Perhaps us and them and even fringe dwellers in the They-Them camp can learn from the soldiers, melding and creating a new majority that ensures freedom for all Americans.  When the soldiers come home, they can say, "So, I see you guys have been cleaning (out dysfunctional ways) while we've been gone," or "This is the America I fought for."  It would be nice to give all of the soldiers the homecoming that so many have fought for since the American Revolution.

This month, two additional states voted to protect the rights of gays, granting marriage.  The nation voted for a President and Vice President who have been the first to voice support for gay marriage.  All of this happened without rioting in the streets, toppling of dictators, or rewriting the Constitution.

Hooray!

It's an evolution without a bloody revolution, “).

Note: I started this a few weeks ago when more and more people from overseas started tapping in. I assumed some of these were a result of  Support for Our Troops? (See: http://twogirlsarebetterthanone.blogspot.com/2012/10/support-our-troops.html).

I have written and rewritten this entry more times than any other entry.  I want it to be perfect, but there is so little that I know about what you do for us.  There are no, nunca, nil words that can repay you for my, our, freedoms.  I can only vote to support your care and causes, and pray that you are safe until you are with your families and your country(wo)men.  

Cheers to each of you! 

Ghandi's Parks for Uganda

After an early T-day lunch with co-workers and dinner at Mic-Monk’s house, I realized that I’ve been really missing the energy swapping with humans.  I’ve been travelling so much that I feel out-of-touch and the weekend was, in itself, monumental.   I tap into Facebook (because Martha mentioned a few friends who might want to be my friend).

Half-way down, I see a “sign this petition” link from GayRights: “URGENT! The Speaker of Uganda's Parliament has vowed to pass the ‘Kill the Gays’ bill within the next two weeks, calling it ‘a Christmas gift.’”  It seems that the “leader” of Uganda can’t live with lesbians or gays.  I, on the other hand, can’t live without them.  This world is so much better with all human varieties, any good leader knows this fundamental. 

Here’s what I’m not going to do next—cry for civil minded Americans to sign the petition.  But, if you want to sign the petition, here it is: http://www.change.org/petitions/citibank-and-barclays-condemn-uganda-s-kill-the-gays-bill .   I’m going to take a different approach.  

The originator of this petition, Collin Scott Burton, has brought attention to an injustice in a part of the world that is remote.  However, nothing on this planet can be “remote” as that implies it is tucked in a corner or is difficult to see.   On a globe everything is on an arc’d surface and equally visible.  In any case, Uganda is difficult to see from America and Coll—you can call him that if you’re family—is bringing this horrific plan into our awareness. 

Here is his request: “Ask Citibank and Barclays to publicly condemn Uganda’s ‘Kill the Gays’ bill, and send a loud message to Ugandan legislators that criminalizing homosexuality with lifetime prison sentences and the death penalty won’t be supported by major international businesses.”

 Next to this statement is a graphic:

Below it is an entry form.

At this point, I am no longer grateful for the originator’s efforts and am no longer feeling like an altruistic being.  I do not want to fill in the form.  Scotty Collin Burton requires my personal information.  Then, I notice that he is an employee of the bank.  Hmmm.

I toggle back to GayRights and compare his message with theirs.  They might have written a different—more informative and less excitable—explanation about what Collin “Scooter” Burton wants us to do.

However, I don’t get away that easy.  Part of my brain still wants to sign.  I might be the straw that weighed upon CitiBank-Barclays to negate profits and withdraw from a nation that brutally slaughters human beings.

I look at the rolling graphic and counter with evidence from the count.  283,819 supporters have already looked deep within, withdrew a decision, and filled out the form to state that they—in fact—don’t want humans to be murdered.  Scooter, and/or Citibank-Barlcays, and/or Uganda only need a few more votes.

Huh?   I’m confused.  Does this mean, with the receipt of 16,181 votes:

 a .    Barclays will send a letter to the “leader” of Uganda and tell him to stop it 

      b.      Barclays will shut their doors until the “leader” of Uganda stops it    

      c.      The "leader" of Uganda will stop it

      d.      People have created excitably horrific news for the purpose of collecting my personal info with  absolutely no intent or ability to change the minds of “leaders” at Barclays or “leaders” in the Uganda government

With the assumption that “D” is not the answer, and that Rita Balaka is a real person, why does anyone really need to vote? 

My question isn’t so much about whether or not the originator has mal intent or will be successful in inciting LGBTs who have no voting power.   My question is—what’s in a vote for Rita Balaka?  If 300,000 people state that they don’t want LGBTs to be imprisoned for life or murdered, will this convince Rita Balaka to find her soul and initiate change?  See a, b, or c options above.

I don’t understand the magic of 300K votes.  Is 283K not enough to enlighten Rita Balaka’s soul?  Maybe I’m being *smart*, but I’m getting more serious.   If we (LGBTs and the heterosexuals who love us) think that voting will cause Rita Balaka to step into action and/or cause the “leaders” of Uganda to step up and step down to get some counseling and get into a straight jacket—we will always be a target, a kicking bag and a scapegoat. 

Voting has its benefits in a society that counts the votes.   In this scenario, 1 to 300,000 to 300,000,000 votes are undeniably worthless.  I commend you Scooter for taking the initiative and making it real to Americans who can’t see around the circular corner of this globe.  I hope that this petition reaches the person who has the finger on the button labeled “Justice,” even if that person is Rita Balaka who (according to the “sign the petition” site) can’t find justice on her own.  

It’s all here, clear as crystal.  [This country, this continent, and this globe need a solution that incorporates but supersedes couch-potato voting.]  If not, we get nothing.  We lose—good day sir!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKG07305CBs

P.S.  I’m not saying I have as much gumption as Collin Burton, who has been renamed “Scott" by my fatigue-filled mind.  I’m just—hold on, I need to flick these potato chips from under me on the couch—saying that voting for a psychopath to change his mass manslaughter ways isn’t the most immediate or effective plan to make a change. 

P.S.S  I want to end this misaligned diatribe with a statement by Ghandi because I believe our freedom lies in peaceful resistance, but I can’t bring myself to do it. 

I had no idea that history was being made. I was just tired of giving in. 

– Rosa Parks (1913-2005)

Love's Gay Impressions

4:44 am – My bones are excited that they’re going to Texas.  I get up, get coffee and work for a few hours.

1:21 pm – the chick-a-sticks, pretzels, and pear did me in. I am full.

1:22 pm – current buzzards-in-the-sky count = 11

1:23 pm – got out of car and dragged a rusty bumper off the bridge and roadway

6:03 pm – Park behind the bars off Cedar Springs.  I find Sue Ellen’s when I turn the corner.  I’m a bit overwhelmed.  It’s a really nice bar; it’s a good sized bar and feels empty with only a few women.  After exchanges, the bartender makes the connections for us.

Somehow the conversation gets personal really fast.  I hear the older lady say that she had been married. “I lost my husband and baby.  They were in a car wreck.”  She started a new life after.

The bar tender talks about her pre-teen son. She raises him with her ex-partner and the stepmother.  They are a family who share everything from holidays to rising costs.  She beams because she knows how important it is to do your best with a tender little soul. 

“It must impress the other parents,” I am thinking while she tells that she eats lunch in the school cafeteria with the little guys who make up her basketball team.  They call her “coach.”  I proselytize to her passion and devotion to them. I think of how she's teaching them to love a lesbian before the boys become men.

8:25 pm - The bartender and the barback have both been named Sarah by the patrons.  I begin to wonder if this is a generic name for lesbians like Mary is for gay men.   The other two ladies left and the third bought me a second Shiner, but I have to shoot down Cedar Springs to Dallas Love Field.  My mom is flying in from Birmingham.

10:01 pm – We arrive at Auntie’s house. I go in and hug her and her partner, Murph. Susie is there too.  She’s been my aunt’s friend for as long as I can remember.  Memories of them together at different stages of my life create gravity for my fatigue-filled mind.

After a few exchanges, Auntie says, “I want you to know, today is our 35^th anniversary.”

We congratulate her without champagne, a ballroom dance, or a proper celebration.  Still, we’re all just grateful to be together.

7:35 am - I get up early to talk to my aunt. 

8:35 am – A neighbor comes over and brings frozen trail mix varieties that are the leftovers from a bulk purchase.  After a few exchanges, the neighbor asks about the doctor’s prognosis.

“What’s the good news?” I asked him. Auntie shares the exchange.

“There’s not any good news,” the doctor said soberly.

“He hugged me.  I got a hug out of him. That’s the good news,” Auntie said.

 

9:01 am – An old friend called. That call was followed by a series of calls from all over the US.  Later, a lady from San Antonio called.

“Is that the woman who was a nurse?” my mom, the nurse, asked.

“Yes. The other one died,” Auntie angled the phone away. 

I had met this pair of lesbians in the late ‘80s.  I think they took me on a road trip during the second year that I was “out.”

11:24 am – I am ready to drive Murph to the beauty parlor.  It’s one of the businesses on this retirement campus.  It’s next to the “protestant” and catholic churches, a laundry room, and a consignment store. 

 “You guys have more activity in one morning than I have the entire week,” I’m smiling and pulling on my socks.

“Just wait until you’re dying,” Auntie says.

“I hope I’m as lucky.”

11:30 am- I’m putting on my shoes.

“Where’s Murph?”

“She went to the beauty parlor,” my mom said.

“Did she push her walker there?”

“No, she drove,” mom said.

“The golf cart?”
“No, the Toyota,” Auntie said.

“Should she be driving?” I ask.

When we go in, Murph’s hair is already in curlers.  She’s under the dryer.  The beautician takes my aunt to the back to wash her hair. I hear them talking.

“She’s a lesbian,” my aunt says out loud because her ears are underwater or because my aunt is an external thinker.

I’m sitting next to Murph who is an observer like me.  I believe this is why we’ve always had a secret alliance.   Also, she would pull beers out of the garage fridge and toss them to me.  Before they moved to the retirement campus, they had property and a kennel service.  We would walk over and look at the day’s variety of dogs.   But today, we’ve gotten into a bucket of left-over Halloween candy, choosing a variety of pieces and pretending that we’re not high from too much coffee and sugar.

2:10 pm – Lunch with Martha who is a friend of my aunt’s from Corpus.  That means they’ve been friends for more than 35 years.  And, that means that she and my aunt were young(er) lesbians together, running the streets and going to bars. 

4:00 pm – The others take naps. I go to Trader Joe's for a trunk full of carbohydrates

7:00 pm – Murph and I chill a bottle of wine

8:00 pm - My aunt takes me to her room and asks me to help her create a letter.  We talk about everything except the letter.  Just when we get a sentence typed, my mom comes in.

“It’s Buddy,” she says.  “He wants to talk to you.”

I look over at the top of the dresser where there’s a picture of Buddy when he was young and in Dorothy's Wizard of Oz dress.  He’s been in Auntie’s stories since I was a kid in Corpus.  I think he talked—counseled seems to be too strong a word—to my brother when he came out of the closet.  (See "Fleas on a Hot Tar Roof."). Not that it was a secret.

When my brother was 11, he put on my mom’s dress, wig, and high heels, and then he walked the neighborhood sidewalks. He came out when the neighbors told my mom what she already knew.  It was good that my aunt had a lot of gay male friends who looked out for my brother during his young adult years. I'm sure Buddy was one of them.

“Hi Puss.”

PAUSE.

“Lisa is here.  You remember Lisa?” 

PAUSE.

“Did you happen to touch her like you did her brother?

“You two are not right!” I yell toward the phone.  I imagine that this is an inside joke that they've shared for three or four decades.

Auntie chuckles, and then they talk, swapping more inside jokes that are funny and bad too.  Before Auntie hangs up, she says, “You’re going to get a letter from me.”

PAUSE.

“Bye-bye, honey.”

During the conversation, she mentioned another friend Clifford.  I was at his house, in Corpus, that night my aunt talked about my being gay.  It had been a short conversation.  She remembers that I shouted, “I’m gay,” from Clifford’s balcony.  I remember that she said very soberly, “So, you’re mom tells me you’ve kissed a girl.”  We’ve always observed the world from different angles and haven’t done so well as a result.  This weekend is the first I’ve spent with her in 15 years.  Still, she gave me great advice that night and on many weekends while I was in college.   

Now, I’m sitting on her bed and about to write the letter. I feel honored.

“Do you remember Clifford’s boyfriend?” she asks.

“Yeah, he was younger, right?”

“I ran into him in an airport. I couldn’t believe it was him. I hadn’t seen any of those guys in so long.  He was a real sweet guy,” She pauses to reflect.  “He’s in Houston.  Buddy saw him.” 

I start to remember the late-80s.  When I would come home for holidays or summer break, I would hear from my brother about the men in that circle who were dying.  It was overwhelming.  Somehow Clifford, Wes, Buddy, and my brother survived Reagan’s plague.

9:45 pm – We finish the letter.  “I’ve had a good life; I’ve had a fun life,” she says while I type.  I think about how my aunt is always looking for a reason to smile a mischievous smile.  Aside from making her family crazy, she fills so many lives with light and support.  I will be blessed if I have half the friends.

11:59 pm – Auntie, Murph and mom are awake. I am in bed with ear plugs and the fan is on high to create white noise.  “I can’t wait to go home so that I can sleep without these party animals,” I pop an over-the-counter blue pill and roll over.

8:00 am – Auntie is up.  I get up. 

10:35 am – The reverend is making announcements.  Martha slides between me and Murph.  The room is full, and it’s wonderful to see so many different LGBTs filling the pews, wrapping their arms around each other, and singing with reverence to God while people all over the nation are singing too. 

“This is the life I thought I would live,” I remember the world that my lesbian aunts built.  When I would come for the weekends, their lives were balanced and full with good friends that made everything seem normal, perfect.  

“I want to acknowledge Auntie and Murph’s thirty-fifth anniversary,” the reverend says.

1:00 pm – At lunch we talked about the church and the day’s service.  During the program, they acknowledged new members, announcing a total of 560 with the recent ones.  There was a straight couple on the stage, holding hands.

“They had a gay son,” my aunt explained about them. “When they moved here, they tried a lot of churches.  So many preach against homosexuals.  Finally, they looked and found our church.”

“Wow,” I thought. “It’s an evolution.”

2:10 pm - There’s a storm coming and I have an 8 hour drive. I hug and don’t linger.  There’s too much to sort out and there hasn’t been time to talk.  I’ll have to get back before too long. We have to figure out how to take care of Murph.

9:37 pm – At the base of the Mississippi River bridge, I pull a warm beer from the Trader Joe’s bag that’s behind the driver’s seat.  I put it in the ice chest because I’m 15 minutes from home. I can’t wait to hear my dogs go nuts.

“It’s nice to love and to be loved.”

In the course of a few days, I was introduced to so many different approaches to gay life.  It was serendipitous to hear the ladies at Sue Ellen’s and sit with the congregation at Celebration Community Church.  I wanted to share.  Also, I hope this story about my aunts’ long relationship gives you stamina someday.  It’s possible to find love late in life and love that will happily follow you to a retirement campus.  I think the secret to Auntie and Murph’s relationship is so very simple.

“You just don’t leave,” Murph said.