This is Me Dating, part II

On the eve of the biggest Powerball drawing ever (that I can remember), I think about the situation I will be in tomorrow morning.  Single and seeking love will be way more complicated when I’m a quibillionaire.  How will I know that she loves me for me?  I imagine you’ve thought through the same conundrum.

When I was in my twenties, I had a sure proof solution. 

“I won’t tell her for two years. We’ll date and see if it works.  When I know for sure, I’ll spring it on her,” I told my friend Dee.  

“Oh sure!”

I was serious.  But, I was about to meet #1 and there’s no way I could have kept the secret for two years without telling her.  For one, I was a waitress with a default student loan.  She loved me so much that we shared her car.  (And I’m glad that I didn’t have to keep that secret.  I would have missed out on all that we shared. We made the most with what we could afford and appreciated every purchase.)  For two, money can’t stay quiet.  For three, if I’d had a million⁺ dollars, she wouldn’t have trusted me after I said, “Hey, I know times have been tough with you shuffling me to that $30/day waitressing gig, but I had to check you out first.” 

Yeah. Right. That would have been the end and not the beginning.

So, on this eve of being a big fat quibillionaire, I’m warming up a can of black beans for a quesadilla and thinking about being single and rich.  The question is the same, “How will I know that she loves me?”  I think about Ex#3.  Two years wouldn’t have been enough.  After six, I realized that I didn’t really see her until after seven and that was only because she left.  If I’d been a quibillionaire, she might not have ever left…and I’ve have never seen what I needed to see.

This burst of realization about my premature predicament caused me to remember that I owe you an explanation.  I never really forgot, I just had a ton to do after (this last day of cubicle) work.  And, I needed to finish the quesadilla.  But, I think that I should offer the second set of questions, first.  (If I show you the decoder, you’ll over think your answers.  It will be better if you “go with your gut” and just answer them.  I don’t mean that you should take the first answer.  In each set, one entry should mean more—it should tap you deeper or in more than one part of your body—than the others.  That’s the one you should go with.)  Here we go…

But wait. There’s one more thing you have to know. Put a check mark (or J) next to the one that reminds you of your “best fit” girlfriend.  And, put an ‘x’ next to the one that was the worst fit.

Here we go…

My girl/lover/partner is happy when she is:

a.  Authentic

b.  Consistent

c.  Strategic

d.  Free to be

She likes to go to places where she:

a.  Feels Significant

b.  Belongs

c.  Excels

d.  Can 'just do it'

When we are in a group, she:

a.  Identifies their life purpose

b.  Makes them feel comfortable

c.  Looks for logical threads

d.  Does the unpredictable

With people who don't share her views, she:

a.  Listens

b.  Isn’t interested

c.  Questions their credibility

d.  Tries to use it

She seems motivated when I:

a.  Openly share my stories

b.  Structure our time together

c.  Introduce theories

d.  Am spontaneous

When we don’t agree, she wants to:

a.  Strengthen our bond

b.  Follow sound advice, especially from someone she knows

c.  Use deductive reasoning

d.  Not get fenced in

Got the answers?  Compare what you wrote about yourself with what you wrote for the best and worst fit girlfriend.  (I know. It’s hard to say that the one who gave you the most torrid relationship and was the best lover should be put in the worst column.  That happens—but be honest. With all the great lovin’ and crazed chemistry, she was bad for you, and you know that she goes in the “worst” column in at least one set.)  Now, you can see what you need and value.  

Do you see similarities between what you marked for yourself and what you marked for your best girl?  If so, you found someone who is familiar, someone who is like you. Maybe you look for someone who is like you in the beginning—this gives you comfort.  Does it last or do you lose interest in someone like you? 

On the other hand, your best girl may not be like you. Comparing the J for you and the J for her, are these different? If so, you look for someone who isn’t like you. Do these relationships last or do you tire of bridging the gap?

Now, look at the worst column.  Do you see similarities between what you marked for yourself and what you marked for your worst girl? This could be a clue that you shouldn’t date you.  Do you see contrasts between hers and yours?  If so, she might have had different needs and values.  Opposites attract, but there was too much friction to imagine a solution and keep things functional.

I might mention what some of you are already thinking. Just because the marks are different doesn’t mean that there’s a conflict. You’re right.  Something different might be a compliment. Only you can decide that because there are four types and more denominators in a social situation than denominators in my Powerball check. What is a compliment for an Idealist might be a compliment for a Rationalist, but only those two can know.  You can look at your comparisons and feel/interpret why your differences did or didn't contribute to your needs and values.

With 6 questions, this is simple stuff—right?  For us singles, we’ve soooo got this for the next time. For the readers who get to snuggle with their best fit, here’s where it can get tough.  Take a look at what you need and value.  Can she behave these ways with you?  Second, can you behave these ways with her?  With this list, it can be simple stuff…if you are willing to imagine your future with her and how much that’s worth.  I've given you a hint at the kinds of things that she needs and values, and you know if they mirror, compliment or contrast yours.

So, tell me what you thought of the test.  Or, if you want me to tell you more, send me an email with your responses, lmastuff@gmail.com.  I’ll try my best to give you helpful hints about how you answered with the tool design in mind.  Cheers!