Freedom and Its Eject Button

Freedom is the primordial nature, 

but Freedom 

has no direction.

Direction comes from vision

and vision 

comes with compassion, “the light.”

Compassion with skill unite time 

and space, 

frees primordial nature.

- The Dzogchen Pönlop Rinpoche’s

   (deconstructed, paraphrased and poetricized)

Because I live in this big house alone, I have at least twelve hours of weekend chores.  Because most of the weekend is spent on the yard or prepping the house for buyers, I have a lot of time to think.  I have thought a lot during these 10 months.

But, I have always been a thinker.  When I was in college, I had a friend who said that she didn’t want to party with me anymore.

"You leave. You check out."  

Still, she is my longest friend of all friends and I’ve drank more pints with her than anyone else.  And this weekend, around 1 am, someone said, “Do you observe everything?” Apparently, new beer and new friends don’t stop the thinking about thoughts thing. 

Probably the most often visited topic (when I’m alone) is the realization that I’m happier, though lonely, without a partner.  Of course I have Cally-Surfer-Girl and Sweet-Georgia-Brown and Puff-the-Magic-Dragonslayer, but—in their own way—they’re snoring bed hogs.  Also, they don’t give constructive feedback.  I need a mammal that can introduce qualitatively different what-if scenarios.

“Maybe I will be a better partner.”

“Maybe I wasn’t a good partner to Ex#3. But, we wanted different things.”

“Maybe I could have been a better partner. But I was stupid.”
“Maybe with Ex#1… We were young.”

YAAWWN.  This is the reoccurring summarization explanation that pushes its way out of my mind’s cotton candy machine with centrifugal force.  I’m tired of wondering.  I want the voices to stop feeding my head with pink and blue food dyes that spin irrelevant scenarios.  When will I have a purple treat? 

Maybe I’m happier all alone because I can’t keep my personal space when I’m with another.  I think I might need to create a niche for freedom before I meet her.  I'm sure I had a good reason for not creating it before now.  Remember, One’s primordial nature is directionless freedom.  I will add this note and pin it in my cubicle.

The problem is that I’m a creature of habit.  I like routine.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a moth to spontaneity’s flame.  But, I like to have things in place so that when a new opportunity introduces itself, my boss won’t ask about the bags under my eyes. 

The Dzogchen Pönlop Rinpoche says that freedom has no direction until its human has vision.  Also, its vision needs compassion. I think it’s safe to say that non-monks can insert any ol’ emotion here and find a reason to move about.  My monkey mind can formulate a plan in microseconds. 

Warning:  Any ol’ emotion doesn’t guarantee the production of a Buddhist monk’s vision.

Love Heroine’s formula is this simple:

   observation of an event with a woman in the center, to the right/left, off-stage

+ an emotional uprising

    (imaginations of) sex

Dun. It’s that simple for him.

My formula is:

                   observation of an injustice

+ emotional uprising

                   why?-declaration (with soliloquy to follow)

I get in trouble because I ask, “Why?” too much.  But, why do people hinder my freedom with their lack of vision?  Please—for your sake—, don’t follow me down this path.

Warning:  Observing everything has side effects.  It may feel like freedom, but you're stuck in someone else's illusion, asking questions you're not allowed to answer.

I think I’ll take my version of The Dzogchen Pönlop Rinpoche’s quote to work with me.  I’ll print it and put it on the break room fridge and make a screen saver for the conference room 60” tv/monitor.  But, dropping off a paraphrased declaration like this is not very compassionate if your unsuspecting audience doesn't want a vision.  It might even be a social injustice that Love Heroine will have to observe. 

I need skill(s).  I am here to unite my primordial space with the now.  But, the things that keep me from being in the moment are emotions that are more like goooey-processed-cheese-in-a-squeeze-can-with-a-broken-pressed-down-lever than compassion.  If I get angry, I have to time-out until the relentless spewing of goo subsides.  But these days, I’m pretty numb.  I worry more about the seductive frenzy of happy.  Who’d uh thunk?  It’s been a tough year, and I worry that I’ll go funny-farm loco if I’m introduced to the power of love.  When I get a whiff of it, I’ll want more.

Surprisingly, this leads me back to freedom.  Because I’ve been alone for a year—cleaning my mental rooms and making spaces for someone new—will I be so delighted that I freely surrender freedom?  If so, how will I be free to receive my vision which leads to my primordial path?  Seriously.  I’ve tried another’s primordial path and my feet never planted well there. 

You might think I wrote this entry to make you think that I’m a wise sage—distracting and seducing you will sillies—so that I can implant my philosophy and make you ponder.  I didn’t.  I’m being completely selfish.  So, here’s my question, “How do I be a full-time me while I’m being a part-time we?”

It would be great if you could, please, provide a list of potential irresponsible deviations that would ensure that I’m unpredictable enough, always holding a finger above my eject-the-seat-button. Or, if you have a flow chart laying around with directional arrows at each “yes” and “no” milestone of things I should do to ensure I’m free to be me, please provide.  Either of these tools would be great—so that I can reference them when I’m hiding in the public stall of the restaurant on my first next date.