What Does the Buddha Know About Nothing?

     All things are emptiness because they don't possess a true essence or nature.  When I
     see something and believe it exists, the imagery comes from the dynamic spirit within me.
     This is the illusion.  We, humans, assume that objects and people have a particular nature,
     but we are really projecting our own essence.  
                                                    - a summary of readings from Thrangu Rinpoche

When I lived in Baton Rouge, Dim Sum turned me onto Tig Nataro.   (You can find her on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSwzYB545hY).   I imagined that if I lived in “a real city,” I could go see her perform.  Now, in Austin, I can; so, I will. 

The show is a few days away and I haven’t invited anyone.  I tried to entice Dim Sum, but she’s not booked an afternoon plane that I know of.  I thought a friend might buy the other ticket (since my size 4 pants are sliding off my hips and a return of cold cash would feed me for days), but I keep having this nagging reminder that I've met a few women this month. 

It doesn’t take a mathematician (or readers of this blog) to count the reasons why I need to ask a date to go with me to Tig Nataro, but my mind keeps making lists with friend’s names who could be delightful dates.  Am I avoiding?  You already know that I think about what I’m thinking about all of the time.  I can safely say that after an internal audit, the word or its synonyms haven’t passed through the ticker tape.  So, I walk with a cock’s confidence that I’m not avoiding dating since I REALLY, REALLY want to do whatever that looks like. Still, I’m not picking up the phone, and the words aren’t coming out of my mouth.  

I tell myself that it’s for the sake of ease.  It will be much more better if I ask a friend. It's on a school night. It would be rude to ask someone to endure that traffic.  Better, I’ll ask my couple friends if they want to buy both tickets and have a nice evening out.

“Hmmm.” I think. “It sounds like you’re a-v-o-i-d-i-n-g.”

“Or just lazy,” me echoes.

The truth is that if I go out on a date, so many terrible things could happen.  I won’t even list the dozen that quickly filled my brain between 4 and 5 today.  Instead, I’ll tell you a story.  Recently, I met a really nice woman.  We were having a delightful conversation when she offered to buy me a beer.  (This idea excited me because any carbs are welcomed for nourishment sake).  We return to the table and a few of her friends show up. I imagine my life with her (at least the next 10 summers and Thanksgivings), and I imagine sitting at the table with her friends, sharing meals year after year.  I imagine I'll be lucky to make it through the first one before the leader (every group has an alpha dog) realizes that I’m struggling.  Naturally, the pack will want to protect their friend before I prove to be a freeloader—, a good for nothing.

“Stop! You’re right.” 

“It’s worse—, I hadn’t even finished half of that beer. “

I looked at the remaining ounces and wanted to gulp them down, chasing my anxiety.  I know I’ve had it rough with all of the moves with #3, and I’m starting over in a town that is as familiar as foreign.  (Austin population was at 1M when I moved and is at 4M, now.)  But, I’ve got a lot to offer.  At least, that’s what people tell me, and they don’t even know about my extra Tig Nataro ticket. 

The truth is that I’ve got all kinds of nonsense rambling around.  It’s good to be introspective but not to the point where I’ve carved up my strengths and bagged them for the bin. Being single is tough because no one touches you in an intimate way, emotionally or physically.  I’m stuck in my head 24/7.  Sometimes,on some days, a rude interruption from a lover would be the best cure-all.

“It’s just me against the world.”

But, being single can be rewarding.   I’m way less co-dependent.   I’m way more resourceful.  I get to sleep on both sides of the bed.  I get to eat anything directly out of any carton.  The list could go on.  The difference between being with someone and being someone seems to be that I’m accountable for my happiness.  If it’s not happening, it’s because I’m looking too far outside of my heart or head, seeing emptiness in objects and not living in my essence.