Guest Blogger #3: Four Lessons Learned

Rather than write about how to date, I thought I'd submit some valuable lessons I recently learned after the painful end of my relationship with the person I thought was “the one.” Maybe fellow readers may learn from my lessons or take some comfort, maybe not?

Lesson 1 – Please have the courage to not tell a person you love them if you do not really love them. Do not send them emails saying you love them sooooo much. Do not tell them you love them randomly while sitting across the room, while having sex, in texts, before going to bed. Do not tell a person you love them as if to mean you are “in love with them” when 8 months later you plan to tell them “I love you, but I'm not in love with you.” It brings false hope. Tell them you care about them or explain how you love them. The phrase, “I love you, but I'm not in love with you” brings such heartache.

Lesson 2 – Please do not ever end a relationship by disappearing. Do not tell someone you love and care about them as a friend and then not speak to them for a month. I understand that you don't know what to say. I understand you are also in pain, but disappearing makes things harder. This person you “love and care for,” who once held your love and affections, is now without everything you provided them emotionally. Abandoned and rejected.  

                   Relationships are interdependent. While codependency is not a healthy relationship, it does supply affections and the belief in love. To abandon someone with no explanation for a month (or worse...longer) doesn’t mean you’re more mature.  The one you promised love is left asking, “please say something???” This person has processed every emotional ending of the relationship [alone]; this person had decided to love you unconditionally because she always did. Though she knows it is over, she is trying to salvage your friendship because above everything, she always valued this...your friendship.

                  Please do not, then, reply and negate the entire relationship, invalidate every word of love and affection spoken, using words like “attachment” and “inexperienced” because it is too hard for you to admit what occurred, and it is easier for you to cut-off every emotion. To not be able to love and care enough to be a friend (after everything) is sad.

Lesson 3 – For those of us who are hurting...know that you were and are true and unconditional in your love, because you can forgive these actions and pray for her well-being, leaving out bitterness. You can no longer weep over the rejection. You are a better person and you have loved. No one can take that away from you. Never regret falling in love.

Lesson 4 – When you are ready to date again, when you find a true adult who can love you, she will:

·         accept you as you are

·         allow life and love to be what they are (the highs and lows) without trying to control outcomes

·         show affection without penalty or withholding and always with respect

·         appreciate you for your gifts and your faults (they will know you are human and not expect perfection)

·         be able to give you attention by observing and listening and being present in the relationship you share

Until you meet the right one, read about the "Five As" in "How to Be an Adult in Relationships".  I wish you the best.

- Shrink'd by Tennyson