I Ain't Got No Stinkin' Foundation Problems- Hooray!

I started this blog because there are things that fathers and brothers don’t teach girls who might need to take the lead to secure a date.  Maybe some of you are lucky and received lessons that have helped you in life and love. I have not, and I imagine that I’m not alone.  (So, if you have received great advice from a male, please share a simple or elaborate story.  If you want to include a picture of your wise male elder, that would be great too.)  Maybe one taught you how to disconnect from strife when the time is right.  Men are good at it.

I used to think this tendency was devolutional, but I realize it’s a means for mental survival in any kind of relationship. I have discovered this bit of information without the aid of a benevolent male and through the inanimate mercy of a community library.  Here it is…each half of a partnership must maintain (and, dare I say, embrace) the personality it was born with.  

I happened upon a book this time last year, shortly after the breakup, and again this time this year.  I thought that perhaps it was fate that the binding faced me again or that it had not been rented and was fixed in the very same place.  Either way, I wanted to know if the words would read the same after a year of rebuilding my strengths. 

These are the sentences that returned to me during different times and throughout the year:

Personal space is a unique and valuable part of us.  When we are in it healthily, we are alone in a way that refreshes and enlivens us.  We feel good about ourselves, without excuses or apologies; there is no one else there to listen to, report to, or alter ourselves for.  What others think of us is not relevant or important.

-The Art of Intimacy

“Wait a minute. I was with you up until the point where you totally disregard consideration for my partner.  I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I am not consistently conscientious of my behaviors and their relevancy to the efficacy of my partnership”.  These were my thoughts the first time I read this paragraph.  (Yes, I also think in short filibusters.)

Until I read these words from a certified mind therapist, I had no idea that I was allowed to not be perpetually aware of what I was doing and how it would affect my her.  (Ex#1 and #2 might write in and say, “You’ve got to be kidding! You’re an ignoramus!!”). Something strapped me in when I was with #3.  It began with love, but it looked more like fear in the end.

I wished I had tried to free my true self while riding side-by-side with that one.  Perhaps in dreamland we were a perfect fit but, in the cold and fixed reality, we were perpendicular to each other.  I might have held my own throughout the course, if I’d have been honest during the first year.  But, I had a million reasons why I shouldn’t until I couldn’t. That whimsical odyssey that was prevalent with #1 and #2 might have produced spurts of spontaneity with #3, generating oxygen between us.  

These words from Art of Intimacy sound like something I read in a different book. I remember:

Differentiation means the ability to maintain your identity when you are in close relationship to other people or ideologies: you are able to rest securely inside yourself and not be swept away by other people’s emotions, opinions, or moods.  At the same time you are open to other people. 

- If the Buddha Dated

If I’d forced myself into a place that had little room for me, I might have lost #3 before the end of that first year but I wouldn’t have lost myself (and I would still be in California or would have moved back to Austin. I’d be on with an entirely different life. But, I wouldn’t have met all the great people in Alabama or Louisiana.  Hmm; if I wouldn’t have lost myself, Dim Sum couldn’t have helped me find myself.  How does this crazy system work anyways?)  After the end, I realized that I would have lost #3 sooner or later because empowerment was threatening and lack of empowerment was “yawn!”   I win from losing, and then I can’t win for doing. Is there a method to this madness? I imagine an old cowboy who knows to keep his distance would say, "Sit back. Stay a spell. See what comes of it."

I look back on this year and know that I stayed the course.  Much of it because a (guy or girl) friend kept an eye on me and offered timely advice.  I managed a convoluted job that requires much travel, a huge house that must always be “show ready,” and 3 pets who need to be loved, walked and fed.  I had a pinhole leak in the roof, and the contractor created a bigger leak; but, I took care of it.  I’ve had 50+ showings and 3 open houses, but—on weekends when I could hardly breathe from fear or fatigue—I made things perfect for each potential buyer.  I thought there were foundation problems, but I was relieved to hear, this morning, that there aren’t.  These things wouldn’t have crippled the pre#3 me, but I had lost her.  On the other side of each kind of hurdle, I found old strengths that I had too easily surrendered. And then, Dim Sum helped me find this means to get out of my head, and we found y'all. 

Now, I breathe more; I smile more; I embrace more.  A business-as-usual and hectic day like today was great because it ended with me realizing that my life may not be remarkable but I love it because it’s mine.  I wouldn't want to be in anyone else's. And, I won’t give it away again because I need to care for it so that I might share it with all kinds of loves and likes.